I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
