What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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