did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I hate all girls vehemently.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
