I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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