Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
whose ass print is on the piano?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
