i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
