2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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