She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
