Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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