After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
