wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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