Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
