My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
