So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
