Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just high enough for therapy.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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