the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
