I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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