ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Randomize
