It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
