thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
