i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
