Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
