i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
