shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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