11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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