you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
