i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the condom got lost in my hair
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
