I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
