all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
