A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
