life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
