The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Randomize
