Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
