Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
