I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
