About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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