Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
