I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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