Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just cut my nipple shaving
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
