Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
