you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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