i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
