THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Never underestimate the power of titties
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
