His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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