I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
