you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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