i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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