Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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