glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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