just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
